This Girl Will Now Self-Destruct

Please do not be alarmed by the title.

I painted my nails black for the first time a while back.  This is unremarkable; yes, my nails looked fucking fire, but it's just nail polish.  However, it did make me think about how we often associate black nail polish with the goth, the scene, the emo, the punk, the rebellious.  (And male faux-feminists, but that's another thing that I just don't feel like talking about, so I won't.  If you want to read about that, go somewhere else.)  I make that joke to my sister when she does it, asking if she's gone goth.

And the answer is no, neither of us has.  Black nail polish doesn't make you goth, just like simply wearing nail polish doesn't make a man a feminist.  (Okay, now I'm done.)  I just think it looks fucking metal and I love it.

That being said, lately I've felt as if I need a bit of a change in aesthetic.  I've never felt the need to stick to any one thing, and I don't now, but the truth is that I've never really gotten the chance to even present that mixed-aesthetic self.  For a long time, I wore what was practical for work or school, or what I was told to wear, or clothes that didn't give me sensory issues.  Things get worn and washed and then almost immediately re-worn because the pieces are familiar.  And in all honesty, I'm not sure how much I see that changing in the near future.  There's something sort of sad about that to me.  Dressing for utility makes me feel like one - like an NPC.  I wish I had more excuses to do my hair nice and do nice makeup like when I was still in school, before the pandemic, and it was easier to put in the effort and to justify it.

I know I don't need a justification.  I can just do the nice hair and the nice makeup and wear whatever the hell I want because I can, because it's possible.  But it's also not that easy.  It doesn't feel appropriate for my job, or for working out, or doing my silly little errands, or for sitting around the house like the silly little stay-at-home daughter I am.  I need a justification because I want one.  I need a reason to do these things because I want one.

I have a style that I don't really know how to put together from what I have, or how to buy for on the budget I have.  The coastal granddaughter/When Harry Met Sally/boho/coconut girl/granola/lake girl/glam aesthetic mashup I want to have just isn't right now.  It's how I want to look, but it's not what I have in my wardrobe.  I just purged three bags of clothes and am left with sweatshirts and leggings and pieces I'm not sure I want anymore, am not sure I even look good in, or have sentimental value but I'm not sure if I want to wear or turn into something else.

All of this together makes me feel unsure.  I don't know how I am perceived, or what I even look like, and that touches on another problem I'm - you guessed it - not going to get into right now.

Here's where all of this is going:

Punk is very DIY.  It's homemade.  That homemade, do-it-yourself aspect has helped make it sustainable and exemplifies the movement's commitment to autonomy, creativity, and resistance to conformity for the sake of conformity.  This article goes into the subject more in-depth if you want to learn more, and it claims that in their findings, the most important core value of the punk movement is doing it yourself.  Making something with your own hands fosters connections with others and a sense of pride.  It goes against the establishment while simultaneously helping you to establish yourself through self-expression.

Shit - I can do that.

This is the last day of the year.  Tomorrow, we take it back to the top.  And I guess my "resolution" (if you can call it that) is to do it my fucking self.  Learn to knit, learn to sew, make patches, embroider sweatshirts, create more art and music.  Try to present the person I know I am.

And I may not listen to a lot of punk, but I think that's pretty punk rock.